I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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