Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
