No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
