how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
