my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
