my phone needs a breathalizer
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
