Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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