i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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