maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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