Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
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I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
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I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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