fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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