i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
