Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
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I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
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Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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