I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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