just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
