why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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