I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
