After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
