I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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