Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
