If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
