I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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