Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
