Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Randomize
