you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
