I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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