I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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