god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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