Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
