It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
