He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
