the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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