You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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