Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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