at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
