I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
