i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
