okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
