Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
