I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
