my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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