the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
