youre lurking in front of me
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
