we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
