I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
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Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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