Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.