we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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