i was born a porn star she said
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
So many bounce houses so little time
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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