I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
