if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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