I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
