i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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