Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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