idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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